Romero Zombie: Umm, I don't mean to be impolite, but your pants are falling down.
Rage Zombie: They're called hipster jeans, dude. It's the latest in undead fashion.
Romero Zombie: Cool, man. I wish I hadn't died in the 70s. I look like an extra from Starsky and Hutch.
Rage Zombie: Dawg, you're more lively than anyone in that stupid movie!
Romero Zombie: Huh, movie? [shakes head absently] Anyway, thanks. I think.
Rage Zombie: Don't mention it. How come you retro hippie ghouls walk so slow? You high on grass or something?
Romero Zombie: Well, we started off in a black and white film. You can't do anything fast in black and white.
Rage Zombie: True, I knew that. I was shot on video – that helps, I guess. I'd be bored moving slow, and my audience would be bored shitless, too. It's the MTV and Big Brother generation.
Romero Zombie: Ah, Big Brother as in government conspiracies and all that paranoia stuff?
Rage Zombie: Worse – reality TV.
Romero Zombie: Hmmm, "Reality TV". Sounds like an oxymoron to me.
Rage Zombie: Word, dude. It's all major bollocks!
Romero Zombie: Still, we move faster than Italian zombies. If they plodded any slower, they'd be walking backwards.
Rage Zombie: Yeah, well, they've got subtitles to contend with, haven't they? That'd slow me down heaps.
Romero Zombie: How they manage to kill anyone has got me stumped.
Rage Zombie: The Youth of Today can't deal with subtitles. The only subtitles they'll take notice of must contain the words "ring tone" or "to cast your vote".
Romero Zombie: Slaying them and eating their intestines is doing them a favour.
Rage Zombie: Amen. [nods thoughtfully]

[An awkward silence as they watch the end of the world happening around them.]

Rage Zombie: I'm always coughing up blood. It's starting to get a bit tedious.
Romero Zombie: How do you cope with bad breath?
Rage Zombie: Tic-tacs. Want one?
Romero Zombie: No thanks. But I know what you mean. We're always eating bits of chicken covered in tomato sauce. I never want to eat at KFC again for long as I live.
Rage Zombie: Dude, you're already dead!
Romero Zombie: Shit, I keep forgetting. Must be the weed.
Rage Zombie: Strictly speaking, I'm not even a zombie. I'm under the influence of the "Rage" virus, whatever the fuck that is. Just sounds like bollocks to me.
Romero Zombie: I'm sorry, but if your living dead apocalypse is started by anything other than a radioactive satellite scattering toxic waste into the atmosphere, then it's just try-hard Mickey Mouse crap.
Rage Zombie: Old skool all the way, huh dawg?
Romero Zombie: You got it in one. So why do they keep calling you guys zombies if you're not dead?
Rage Zombie: I guess film journalists are a pretty dull bunch. Especially the ones on the Internet.
Romero Zombie: What's the "Internet"?
Rage Zombie: Geeky computer stuff. Strictly for people who can't get dates on Saturday nights.
Romero Zombie: I've go no fingers to type with anyway.
Rage Zombie: Trust me bro, it'll rot your brain. Although judging by the smell, yours probably couldn't get much worse. Muwahahaha...
Romero Zombie: [smirking] You crack you up, don't you?
Rage Zombie: I do, I do. So....what's with this "shoot'em in the head" business? Seems to me that you're all piss-easy to kill.
Romero Zombie: It's not as simple as it sounds because actors are bad shots, and anyway, the living are so dumb it always takes them half the film to remember to do it.
Rage Zombie: I think we're scarier, actually. We move fast and snarl, and they just shit themselves. Having red eyes is a bummer though. It always feels like I've been up late studying for a uni exam.
Romero Zombie: Try being grey. That's a nuisance, especially when different lights can make you look blue or green. Coordinating your wardrobe is a nightmare.
Rage Zombie: I bet it is. Look who's coming to dinner. Wassup?
Italian Zombie: G'day, how are you both?
Romero Zombie: Fine thanks.
Rage Zombie: Solid, baby. Great dried porridge looking face, by the way. Nice tan, too.
Italian Zombie: I spend a lot of time catching rays on a special island.
Romero Zombie: We were just talking about you characters. Why do you all move so slowly?
Rage Zombie: Yeah. We thought it was because of the dubbing and subtitles an' shit.
Italian Zombie: You're not the first to wonder, let me tell you. The reason is because of the low budgets on our films – we move slow to stretch out the running time.
Romero Zombie: Ahhh...'click'.
Rage Zombie: That makes sense.
Italian Zombie: You both really thought it was subtitles? Our films are all dubbed in English. No little words on da little screeny weeny.
Romero Zombie: OK don't get smug. An honest mistake.
Rage Zombie: As it happens, I originally thought it was to make the movies run longer.
Romero Zombie: The hell you did! Why didn't you say that sooner?
Rage Zombie: I didn't want to make you look bad is all.
Romero Zombie: You're a real humanitarian. And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Rage Zombie: I give till it hurts. What can I say?
Italian Zombie: Anyway... I'll leave you two love birds to your pillow talk. I was just on my way to another film.
Romero Zombie: Hope it's not a sequel.
Italian Zombie: Nope, worse: a remake! Ciao. [ambles away stiffly, going backwards]
Rage Zombie: That poor bastard.
Romero Zombie: Ditto. My next one is called Land of the Dead, even though the others are named after times of the day.
Rage Zombie: You mean nine O'clock, two O'clock, seven forty five PM?
Romero Zombie: No, you dickhead.
Rage Zombie: [chuckles]
Romero Zombie: We've done Night, Dawn and Day. The next one was supposed to be Twilight, but that sounded too gay I suppose. You know, bit like Afternoon Tea of the Dead.
Rage Zombie: Fair enough. There's no sequels planned for 28 Days Later yet. It would have to be, what – 56 Days Later or 208 Days Later. You read me?
Romero Zombie: Grotesque. Here's hoping it won't come to that, but these days I'm fully expecting that Hollywood will start remaking the remakes, for instance Dawn of the Dead Remake Redux.
Rage Zombie: Stop it, you're scaring me. Oh bugger, could you excuse me for a moment? I've got to vomit some blood. [proceeds to spew up red bile]
Romero Zombie: Eww, that's disgusting. Hey watch it. You splashed gore on my bell bottoms! I'm gonna mess you up real bad... Gaaaghhh!! [starts lurching forward]
Rage Zombie: You can try, bitch! [flips him 'the finger' and runs away]
Romero Zombie: This sucks. I'd rather be in a zombie spoof. Then I could meet the funny guy from Black Books.